


Gift-Giving For The Romantically Inept

by Bookworm39



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Fluff, Gift Giving, Holidays, Implied ableism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, OT3, Past Child Abuse, RvB Secret Santa, Swearing, Tucker and Church are trying their best, oh so much swearing, some sexual references, there are so many hecking Church tags it's nuts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-17 20:37:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16981398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookworm39/pseuds/Bookworm39
Summary: Or, 'What Do You Get Your New Boyfriend When Neither You Or Your Other Boyfriend Ever Did Holiday Presents, Even For Each Other?'(My entry for redvsbluesecretsanta.tumblr.com, for demi-dufresne.tumblr.com!)





	Gift-Giving For The Romantically Inept

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays!! I once again took part in the Red Vs Blue Secret Santa, and this time, I made this for demi-dufresne! (Fun fact: This is the second year [out of the two I've done total] that I've done something that featured Church and Tucker in something shippy, with last year's being a Chucker playlist. This is... Kinda fun.)  
> A few things I wanted to mention in the 'fic, but couldn't find a good way to/wasn't very clear on:  
> *Modern, casual AU.  
> *Church and Tucker had already been together for a few years, whereas they'd been dating Wash for less than a year at the point of this story.  
> *Wash is ex-military, and suffers from some PTSD due to it.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! I don't write OT3 stuff as often as I'd like, some I hope it turned out alright! <3  
> (NOTE: for some reason I couldn't fix the posting date from the day I uploaded the draft to the site, some just take my word for the fact that I didn't post this until late the 24th, I swear!! I've also been staring at this for so long that I may have missed a few errors, so if any corrections are made before the new year, that's why.)

“Alright, how ‘bout-?”

“You are a goddamn _fool_ if you think I’m going to go with whatever you’re about to say.”

Tucker looked up from his notepad, staring daggers at Church. Church didn’t even bother looking up, still idly spinning his pencil in his fingers. “Well, fuck you too, then.”

“When have you ever had a good idea in the ten years I’ve known you?” Church asked.

“Well, I was gonna say asking you out the first time, but I’m starting to think otherwise at this point.”

That finally made Church look up. He glared up over the top of his glasses, muttering, “Have fun being single, asshole.”

“Nope, not me!” Tucker tried to pull the ‘pencil-spinning’ trick himself, only to drop the pencil on the floor. He froze, looked down at the pencil for a few seconds, and, with Church snickering the whole time, bent over to pick it back up. Once he’d grabbed it, he leaned back in his beanbag chair, crossing his arms behind his head. “I’m still gonna have Wash, while you-”

“-will also still have Wash!” Church fired back, his voice cracking slightly. He facepalmed, then added, “What, you really think he’d choose you over me?”

“Nah, he… probably wouldn’t choose.” Tucker closed his eyes, letting silence fill the room for a few moments, while Church sheepishly rubbed his arm. “Asshole.”

Church looked up from his own hands, one eyebrow raised. “W- How does that make _him_ the asshole?”

“Because it manages to make both of us look like the assholes!” Tucker threw both hands in the air, sending both the notepad and pencil-again-flying through the air. He groaned, letting his hands falling back onto his face.

Church chuckled to himself, standing up from his office chair and walking to pick up Tucker’s stuff. He took a quick glance at the paper-chocolate, flowers, that sort of cheesy shit. But, hey, at least he had ideas. And he hadn’t resorted to porn yet, so that was a plus. He leaned in, kissing Tucker on the forehead. Between Tucker naturally being shorter than him and the fact that he was alllll the way down there in his beanbag chair, Church nearly felt the need to just flop down and sit on the floor instead, but he was barely able to reach him without falling over. “Hey, c’mon, your ideas aren’t actually that bad.”

Tucker moved his hands from his face, looking up in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Church rolled his eyes, shoving his own piece of paper back in his pocket. “At least you have a list.”

Tucker grinned, grunting as he pulled himself out of his seat, following Church to the kitchen. “Hey, don’t worry. Not like we could’ve read your list anyways!”

Church sighed, his face heating up slightly. How the kid with one drunk of a mother and no father had cleaner handwriting than the supposed heir to the state’s bigger tech company was still a mystery to both of them. “Hey, still better than Caboose’s.”

“That’s just 'cause he holds a pen like he’s trying to choke the life from it.” Tucker made a fist with his hand to illustrate the point. “Don’t know how many times he’s had to wash the ink off of his hands.”

“So _that’s_ why he’s not allowed to have fountain pens anymore.” Church opened the fridge. He grabbed a can of soda, then sighed suddenly, closing the fridge and turning to lean against it. “Shit, maybe we should just ask Caboose about this. He’s probably had better luck than the two of us.”

That was the bitch about Tucker and Church’s relationship-between their personalities and the fact that they’d went from friends in high school to boyfriends in college, they didn’t do this whole ‘gift-giving’ thing like most people. To put it bluntly, they did it like dudes. Which was fine-the right video game or action flick, and that was enough of a birthday or holiday gift for either of them. Combined with the fact that neither of them had been given anything resembling a functional family and the fact that their other high school buddy was ridiculously easy to buy for-Caboose would be happy with another stuffed animal, or chocolate pack, or Disney flick, or, more recently, a more heavy-duty dog toy for Freckles-and the fact was that the concept of a sweet, lovey-dovey gift was completely foreign to the two of them.

“Nah, don’ worry. We’ll just…” Tucker trailed off, looking down at the floor himself. “Oh, shit. You’re right. Fuckin’ _Caboose_ would do way better than us...”He reached up, running a hand through his dreadlocks sheepishly. “Man, we really blow at this…”

Church groaned, massaging his temples. “There’s gotta be something…” He turned, looking around the kitchen, before his eyes fell on one of the cabinet doors. “Hey, you’ve been keeping better track of Wash’s schedule. Are his hours still as shitty as they were last time I asked?”

“Well, I’d like to think they couldn’t have gotten worse, but who knows.” Tucker paused to scratch the back of his head, adding, “Not to mention he fell behind on that weird online mechanic's class he’s been taking, so he’s been spending most nights trying to catch back up.”

“Right, right…” Church pushed himself off of the fridge and said, “Tucker, I think I’ve got an idea…”

* * *

“-ask Kai if she’s got anything we can add. She sells all the weird shit, so it’ll be perfect!” Wash could hear both of his boyfriends talking as he entered the two’s shared apartment. While he wasn’t living with them, Tucker had told him outright that the door was always open if he needed it, and after the shit Wash had to deal with at work today… He kinda needed it.

“Yeah, just don’t let her know who it’s for,” Church could be heard responding. He paused, then added, “Check and see if she’s got any booze, either. Let’m Irish it up.”

Wash paused in the entryway, deciding to listen to Church and Tucker for a moment longer before interrupting. He swore, the only thing more surreal than a conversation with either of them alone was listening to the two talk to each other sometimes…“Dude, real people actually do that?!”

“Well, my sister does, so-”

“Your sister’s a goddamn whackjob!”

“Like you didn’t know that already.”

“Whats’ this about Carolina?” Wash finally asked, reaching up to pinch his temple as he finally rounded the corner of the doorway.The two men jumped in surprise at Wash's’ voice, with Tucker swearing under his breath and Church letting out a frightened squeak. Wash noticed the notepad in Church’s hand, which he quietly tossed to Tucker, who simply dropped it into the chair behind him and flopped down on top of. Wash could only watch in amusement, then sigh and mutter, “Honestly, if you tow were ever to plot a murder, you wouldn’t even get to the killing part before somebody caught you.”

“That…” Church narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms. “…is a very specific and creepy way to say it.”

“Yeah, we all know if anybody’s gonna try to commit murder out of the three of us, it’s you,” Tucker added. He pointed a finger accusingly at Wash, shifting his weight on top of the definitely-not-secretly-hidden notebook as he did. “Probably the two of us, and probably while we sleep!”

“Oh, please.” Wash sighed, and, with a smile, added, “I wouldn’t have to wait for you two to fall asleep!” He then turned and headed for the kitchen, leaving his boyfriends staring after him in slight concern and fear.

Tucker turned to look at Church, and said, “Actually, based on track record, it's gonna be _Caboose_ that finally kills you.”

“Yeah, no shit!?” Church glanced towards the kitchen, then tilted his head at Tucker. The short man nodded in response, scrambling to his feet and grabbing the notepad from underneath his rear.

Tucker turned towards the kitchen, yelling in his best lying voice, "Shit, Wash! Kai just texted me, gotta go lend her a hand.” He turned and winked at Church, adding, “Don’t have too much fun without me~!”

Church scoffed quietly, watching as Tucker hurried to grab his coat and shoes. _No real reason to get cleaned up,_ Church thought. _Not with Kai’s shop._ He lingered just long enough for Tucker to wave to him, then made his way to the kitchen to check on Wash.

The blond was bent over the tiny island in the center of the kitchen, elbows on the counter and head in his hands. Church bit his lip nervously, making his way to Wash’s side and, gently enough as not to startle him, rested a hand on his back. “Hey, Wash. How’s it going?”

Wash glanced up wearily, one eye still shut. “Mmmgh… Not so good…” He rolled his head, looking away from Church.

Church bit his lip worriedly. “Wow… Rough day at work, or…?”

Wash chuckled wryly. “You could certainly say that.” He sat up slightly, reaching to scratch the back of his neck. “Didn’t think a gas station would get the same holiday rush as an actual retail store, but there you have it. Not to mention the three drunk guys just this week. Actually, I think it may just be the same drunk in various stages of shaving…”

Church had stopped paying attention to Wash’s words. He knew it was rude, but he couldn’t help it, once Wash’s scarf slipped from around his neck-not a lot, but just enough to reveal the line of red running down from low on his left cheek to his chin. Church tried to survey as close as he could without seeming creepy, and…

Yeah, that’s a new scar.

“What the fuck happened to your face?!” Wash jumped at Church yelling, and before he could react, Church had lurched forward, grabbing his chin and pulling him close. Wash, both caught off guard at the sudden contact and embarrassed about the injury, flushed red, while Church tilted his boyfriend’s face back and forth. “Wash, what the-”

“It’s nothing, alright?” Wash jerked away, pulling the scarf back up, this time covering half of his face. “I just- I didn’t want to worry you guys!”

“We wouldn’t fuckin’ worry if you didn’t get into a brawl between work and here!” Church’s voice was starting to crack again, making it so that if Wash somehow didn’t previously understand how upset he was about this, he did now.

“I-it wasn’t a brawl!” Realizing that simply claiming it wasn’t a brawl wasn’t exactly reassuring, Wash sighed, looking away and muttering, “I-I had an episode at work. Nothing severe, just spaced out… This one prick, he’d already made a habit of picking on our coworkers and even the customers, a-and I knew he didn’t like me… Guess he thought throwing me face-first into the wall behind the building would be a great way to snap me out of it…” He sighed, adding, “No security cameras, so because they couldn’t prove his story that I’d been drunk or drugged up or- whatever he was claiming when the manager came to check it out, we just… both got in trouble.”

Church couldn’t help but stare in shock. He let up a little when he saw Wash send an ashamed glance his way, instead squeezing his boyfriend’s hand and leaning in to rest his chin on the other’s head. “Fucker…”

Wash chuckled. “I’m hoping you’re talking about him and not me.”

“’Course I don’t mean you…” Church, feeling a rare moment of bravery, leaned in and kissed the top of Wash’s head. “C’mon, how ‘bout you go crash on the couch? Tucker and Grif have this tradition of watching shitty Christmas horror movies while wrapping-or, well, gift-bagging, in their case-their gifts, and I think I found one to recommend for this year.”

Wash smiled, letting Church help him to his feet. “That sounds like the worst tradition ever.”

“Of all time,” the two finished together.

Wash chuckled sheepishly. “Fuck, am I that predictable?”

“Nah, you just have a... thing. No big deal.” Church carefully led his boyfriend to the couch, grabbing a blanket and throwing it haphazardly over him. He grabbed the DVD-sent by Carolina, though where she found it could only be guessed-and popped it into the player. He flashed a grin at Wash, and warned, “I will not be held accountable for wherever this goes.”

“I’m already concerned,” Wash muttered, He sighed, peeling off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the couch. He smiled up at Church as he passed, with the brunette simply giving him a small smile and nod as he went by.

He had something else he had to do.

Church scooped up his cell phone off of the counter, pulling up Tucker’s number.

C: _Hey, Wash is on the couch, so be careful when you come in_  
_also, forget what I said earlier, this is a man who needs chocolate._

 **T:** got it. What kind you thinking?

C: _Fuck if I know!!_

 **T:** fuck it, doc’s here. If anybody’s gonna give a chocolate-based psychoanalysis, it’s gonna be him.

C: _Cool. Just thought of an errand I need to go run, so I won’t be here._

 **T:** what kinda errand we talking??

C: _The ‘ruining a bitch’s life’ kind_

 **T:** the best kind!!!

* * *

“-so he just said to go with a variety pack, so we make notes for his birthday.”

“Fuck, we’re gonna have to do something for that too, aren’t we?” Church muttered. “Anyway, what’s the point of keeping Doc around if not to pick out chocolates based on terrible descriptions of somebody personality?”

“That _does_ sound like his kind of niche.” Tucker shrugged, shuffling through the bag again, this time pulling a bottle out with a slight flourish. “And then we found _this!_ Figured it’d be fitting, right?”

“You two really need to find somewhere else to work on presents,” Wash commented from the doorway, where he’d been standing for about fifteen seconds, wondering how long it’d take his boyfriends to see him. After a little bit, though, he came to the conclusion that they weren’t going to see him at all, and felt the need to put an end to this.

Tucker jumped, dropping the bottle in his hand, with Church, by some miracle, reaching under to catch the bottle before it hit the floor. The two looked up sheepishly from the spot on the carpet where they sat, near-mirrored looks of confusion and shock on their faces.

Church was the first to speak up. “Jesus fuck, wh- How the fuck do you do that?!”

“Why are you like this?” Tucker called up from the floor, resting his head on his hands.

Wash shook his head, one hand over his mouth to try and hide his laughter. “So, uh, am I just supposed to not look, or-”

“Nah, fuck it.” Tucker shot Church a look, and the two came to a silent agreement. Tucker took the handful of items they’d aready pull out and wrapped in tissue paper and put them back in the shopping bag, pushing himself up off of the floor. Church handed up the bag, then took Tucker’s hand to pull him up.  The two turned to face Wash, an awkward smile on Tucker’s face. “We were, uh, hoping to keep it a surprise, but…” He glanced down at the bag, then at Church, then back up at Wash. “Guess not, huh?”

“You two… _Do_ realize you have a bedroom, right?” Wash, while still smiling, couldn’t help but reach up and rub his temples. “Or… _any_ number of rooms where you can work on stuff without being right in the doorway?”

Tucker scratched the back of his neck shyly, while Church piped up, “Man, you’ve gotta be careful in the bedroom with Tucker! He’s… incredibly, _ridiculously_ excitable.”

“Damn straight.” Tucker smirked, handing the bag to Wash. Given what he’d just said, Wash was almost reluctant to open the bag, but…

A few bags of coffee. Two bottles of dairy-free creamer. Two mugs, both a ceramic one and a plastic travel thermos. An assorted box of chocolates. And, to top it all off, a bottle of coffee stout.

Wash couldn’t help but smile, glancing up at the two men. Church bit his lip nervously, while Tucker explained, “Well, if we couldn’t do anything to save you from your shitty schedule, we figured we’d at least make it easier to handle…”

“I-” Wash glanced back down at the bag in slight awe. He hadn’t been exactly hit real hard with the gift-giving stick most of his life, so this whole experience... Especially something the two had clearly put so much thought into...

He managed-barely-to keep his composure, a wide, warm smile spreading across his face as he looked up at Church and Tucker. Finally finding his voice, he simply whispered, "...Thank you." He cleared his throat, putting the bag down, and scratched at his face sheepishly, fingers grazing over what was left of the cut on his face. "But, uh, I won't really have a chance to use this stuff for a little."

"Wait, really?" Tucker frowned in confusion, while neither of them noticed the tiny snicker slipping from Church.

"Yeah, it's... Really weird, actually." Wash grabbed one of the mugs from the bag, idly turning it over in his hand as he explained, "I got given paid leave for the next two weeks. I'm basically off 'til next year, at this rate."

Church glanced at Tucker briefly, a cheeky smile forming on his face. It hadn’t been that hard-as he’d thought, the gas station Wash worked at was one in a chain that were all sponsored in part by Freelancer Tech. The threat of having Dr. Leonard Church, their biggest supporter, pull his support  wouldn’t have held much weight, but when it was coming from Leonard Jr… Well, let’s just say that the management didn’t want to take their chances, especially for somebody who was a pretty shitty employee anyway.

Blatant abuse of power? Maybe. But both the fucks at the gas station and the old man owned him that much.

Tucker, after only a moment, put two and two together, and struggled to hide his grin as he said, “Wow, that _is_ weird. Ah, well, them’s the breaks!”

Wash glanced between the two of them, clearly trying to work out how the two of them could be responsible for his vacation. Unable to find an answer, he merely sighed, putting the bag down and shyly outstretching his arms. "Thanks, both of you."

Church and Tucker glanced at each other in surprise, which only served to make Wash more awkward as he stood, waiting. Tucker was the first one to step up, shrugging and putting one arm around Wash's hips, carefully, cautiously leaning to rest his head on the blond's shoulder. Church, somehow even more clueless about the prospect of a hug than the other two, could only take a small step forward, letting the other two pull him into a tight embrace.

Wash smiled down at his boyfriends, a warm feeling growing in his chest. _Holy shit, these two are the best,_ he thought. He bit back a groan, however, upon realizing something.

 _Shit, I'm supposed to give_ them _something now, aren't I?_


End file.
